


A Pair of Idiots (And One Buff Cat)

by PersonyPepper



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Bisexual Disaster Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Bottom Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Cat Roach (The Witcher), Coming Out, Gay Disaster Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Being an Idiot, Humor, Jaskier | Dandelion Being an Idiot, M/M, Mentioned blowjob, Roach Has the Brain Cell (The Witcher), Sex Toys, Top Jaskier | Dandelion, Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg is So Done, beacause theyre sTUPID, but that's debatable too, roach is chaotic, yennefer is a saint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:53:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25921627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PersonyPepper/pseuds/PersonyPepper
Summary: “Roach, what’s that— Roach what’ve you got in your hand?” At least Jaskier’s trying, Geralt’s just gone wide-eyed in horror as their cat slashes at the incredibly detailed rubber dick, the thing bobbing slightly as she jumps away from it, only to pounce on it again.Oh boy, it’s fucking giant too, easily the size of Jaskier’s forearm and as thicker than his wrist– he wonders how the fuck Roach managed to drag it all the way to the middle of the living room but fuck, if she isn’t a Buff Cat.Or, Geralt and Jaskier come home to find Roach chewing on a dildo and thus starts the Curse of the Giant Rainbow Dildo. (Aka, Is my best friend gay? Because if so, I'd like him to rail me, thank you.)
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 24
Kudos: 230





	A Pair of Idiots (And One Buff Cat)

“Roach?” The cat yowls around the rubber in her mouth in greeting, clawing at the length of it as she chews the tip.

“Roach, what’s that— Roach what’ve you got in your hand?” At least Jaskier’s trying, Geralt’s just gone wide-eyed in horror as their cat slashes at the incredibly detailed rubber dick, the thing bobbing slightly as she jumps away from it, only to pounce on it again. 

Oh boy, it’s fucking giant too, easily the size of Jaskier’s forearm and as thicker than his wrist– he wonders how the fuck Roach managed to drag it all the way to the middle of the living room but fuck, if she isn’t a Buff Cat.

He manages to wrestle it away from her, Geralt pspspsps-ing to ease and distract her. Teamwork makes the dream work after all, Jaskier thinks, staring at the fucking foot-long, jiggly thing in his hand.

He throws it in the trash and washes his hands before calling up the vet’s office for a to-be-safe appointment and that’s the end of that. 

~~

Only it isn’t.

Geralt has aplenty toys all left over from his and Yen’s golden days, everything from prostate massagers to canes but even she hadn’t gone and attempted to stuff him with something larger than her entire arm. And Roach hadn’t fucking magicked the dildo out of thin air, had she?

He puts the last of the groceries away as Jaskier calls the vet’s office, mind reeling. Sure, it could be Jaskier’s, plenty of straight men are into being fucked in the ass. Geralt isn’t judging by any means but straight men usually don’t get dildos that are very colorful but look like genuine dicks, do they?

Geralt doesn’t know, he hasn’t been straight since like, fifth grade.

Eh, whatever, they’ll forget about it soon.

~~

Jaskier can’t stop thinking about it.

It’s been nearly a week, but the Curse of the Giant Rainbow Dildo haunts him day and night.

Certainty, no straight man buys a neon-rainbow rubber dick the size of a small rocket to shove up their ass, right? Jaskier doesn’t know, he hasn’t been straight a day in his entire life, actually.

He stares at Roach and Roach stares back, intelligent brown eyes holding all the answers to the universe but Jaskier has one question and one question only.

“Is Geralt not straight?" 

Her highness hisses at him and stalks out if the room.

~~

Roach hisses as she walks into his room.

Geralt huffs and leans back so she can safely sit stop his head without worrying about falling off.

"Jaskier’s my best friend.” Her tail flicks at his ear. “I thought he was straight.” She meows, purring as she kneads at his white hair. Geralt states out his door to Jaskier’s, guitar music flowing through their home.

“Is he?” He thinks that Roach must feel more like a magic-8 ball than a cat as she rolls down his side and stalks out of his room.

Geralt, for the life of him, doesn’t understand why Jaskier hasn’t come out to him. Maybe he’s straight after all.

~~

“Maybe he’s straight after all, Yenn.” Yenn sighs, and even the shitty international connection conveys perfectly just how much she hates him right now.

“No— you don’t have all the facts if you think he’s not straight.”

Her voice is disinterest as she replies. “Which are?”

“He hasn’t come out to me? You’d think I would know if my best friend likes fucking men?”

“Why? Wanna find out if your best friend likes fucking you?” Yenn doesn’t even try to hide her amusement. “Jaskier, if you think Geralt’s straight, _you_ don’t have all the facts.” She ends the call before he can ask.

Bitch.

(And he means that in the nicest way.)

~~

Fuck.

(He says with grave emotion as he wrestles the can of beans.)

But also, fuck, Geralt is nearly seventy-five percent sure that Jaskier isn’t straight. He has no solid evidence to support his claims and he, a literature teacher, is quite disappointed by that fact.

No evidence save for blatant hope because he’d really like to find out if Jaskier works magic with his dick as the man so claims to. And maybe press soft kisses to his lips in early mornings when the rest of the world is asleep, maybe even cuddle during movies and–

The can opener flies out of his hands the same time the words fly out of Jaskier’s mouth.

A splutter of words follows the clatter.

“Are you gay?”

~~

Jaskier clicks his jaw shut as soon as the words are out of his mouth. But there’s nothing for it now, he supposes. “Because the toy— not that straight men can’t enjoy it up the ass but,” fuck, _just shut it, Jaskier_ , “but the toy was a, uhm, _interesting_ color and only gays have such good taste.”

Geralt raises a brow at him. Ah shit, The Eyebrow of Mild Amusement. He fucking hates (loves) that expression.

~~

“I’m bi.”

Geralt watches Jaskier nod, The Eyebrow of Mild Amusement slowly lowering.

“Then who’s fucking dildo was that?” Geralt shrugs and chooses not to think about it, rather afraid he’ll start retching if he does. Not that their cat chewing on Jaskier’s toy is any better but the idea it was a stranger’s makes it a lot worse.

He gets the can opener from the kitchen floor, heart beating too damn quickly to be healthy.

“Are you gay?”

~~

Jaskier steals a carrot off of Geralt’s plate, hiding his squeal in the crunches of the vegetable. His friend, Geralt of Rivia, and long-time crush is bisexual. Which means he has a Chance.

“Yeah, I am. The toy wasn’t mine, either, though.” His voice comes out surprisingly even. “I like fucking. Men.”

Geralt snorts.

And there goes his Chance.

~~

Geralt snorts to stifle a whimper, abandoning the fucking beans. They’ve gotten this far, and it’s not as if he hasn’t been pining after his not-at-all-straight best friend for years.

“I like being fucked by men.” He looks at Jaskier, into his eyes before flicking his gaze to his lips.

He finds his on them before neither of them can say anything more.

~~

_Holy shit, Geralt’s kissing me._

Inanely, the first thought that Jaskier had is that Yennefer is going to freak (in a good way).

Jaskier untucks Geralt’s shirt, unbuttoning his friend’s jeans as they kiss. He finds himself on his knees and _holy shit,_ Jaskier’s giving his not-so-straight friend a blowjow.

~~

Holy fuck, Geralt thinks he might die. Or at least come close, those blue eyes that peer up at him are killer and those pink-tinged lips suck his soul out through his dick. This is ridiculous. 

He tells Jaskier so, and Geralt grins as his friend laughs around his dick. 

Lovely. He’s lovely.

~~

It’s a lovely day; Roach sits politely in her carrier as Geralt locks the car. Jaskier waits for him, hand outstretched, the other holding Roach’s carrier.

They walk into the vet’s office hand-in-hand, ready to tell Doctor Tissaia all about the Curse of the Giant Rainbow Dildo. She tells them that Roach’s fine, but prescribes her antibiotics just in case.

Geralt and Jaskier spend the rest of the evening cuddling and watching a movie. Come morning, they share kisses, the world around them still asleep.

In a deep corner of the apartment, Roach finds herself a fleshlight. 

**Author's Note:**

> it was an absolute delight to write this, written for chuni, my good friend
> 
> let me know what you thought!!! comments make me giddy <333 
> 
> tumblr: @persony-pepper (come say hi!)


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